This Week In Aisle 14

Welcome to Aisle 14 – a weekly recap in entertainment, where we judge like Simon and throw shade like it’s Arbor Day. This week was a feisty one in the world of reality television, but before we spill all that juicy tea, I want to get a little personal with y’all. It is the third week of January and I have been doing so well with my new diet – #NewYearNewMe. So, I was making a fruit salad Tuesday night – apples, oranges, grapes, etc. I was chopping and slicing and singing my favorite song from Hamilton when out of nowhere, I cut my damn pinky open! I just can’t believe that I’m out here trying to #LoseWeightFeelGreat and I cut myself. *rolling eyes emoji*I know this probably tops the list of #FirstWorldProblems and the irony of a fruit cutting himself on some fruit might just be too much to handle, but I just wanted to vent a bit. Furthermore, you know what has never cut me before? A crunchwrap supreme. Do you people want to know what has never made me bleed my own blood before?? A GD number nine; with chicken, no lettuce, a baja blast and soft shell taco also no lettuce. Ridiculous. Any who, back to the celebs.

 “This is amazing,” she gushed to the audience, “17, I get; 18, sure; 19, I can see that; but 20 is outrageous.” These words were spoken by none other than everyone’s favorite lesbian, the ‘funny bitch who played a fish’ as I like to call her – Ellen Degeneres! This quote was taken from her acceptance speech at the 2017 People’s Choice Awards, where Degeneres was the highlight of the evening, snatching up awards for “Favorite Animated Movie Voice,” “Favorite Daytime TV Host,” and “Favorite Comedic Collaboration” for her ‘Mall Mischief’ with Britney Spears. Upon accepting her 20th award, she became the most decorated celebrity in the 43-year history of the show and we couldn’t think of a better person to hold that title. Other big moments that night included Fifth Harmony performing for the first time as a group without that rat-faced toddler, Camila Cabello. The girls absolutely slayed on stage and even took home the “Favorite Group” award for the second year in a row. The artists were spotted fan-girling over Gossip Girl alum Blake Lively before the show, and despite looking like a shredded VHS tape in that dress, Lively took home an award for herself as well. She won “Favorite Dramatic Movie Actress” for her portrayal of ‘smarter than Bethany Hamilton’ in The Shallows...

 This week on the Bachelor, Nick broke rule #3 of wedding crashers: never confess. (I mean he also broke rule #4 which is, “make sure your fling doesn’t end up on your network television show,” but we’ll chalk that one up to bad luck.) Now I am not an avid church goer, but 1 Corinthians 13:4 says, “love is patient. Love is kind.” This message must’ve been unclear to Corinne because in 1 CORINNE-thians 13:4 it apparently says, “Love is trench coat. Love is redi-whip.” She went out to that big red pillow on a mission, convinced that after one taste of her boob sweat, Nick would be all hers. That is, until Jasmine came up and stole Nick away, “ruining the moment” and sending Corinne back to her room with no husband, no love, and certainly no big-red-pillow sex. After the group date, Corinne and Nick head off to “mend their relationship” and after a brief make-out session, she declares that she’s “MADE CORINNE GREAT AGAIN.” Between that statement and the one she said later about her nanny being “happy to work for her” I just can't take Corinne anymore. Go eat your “lemon salad” and bounce in your inflatable sex room; can't wait to see you next year on Extreme HOE Makeover.

Down in Atlanta, things heated up a bit as Marlo Hampton returned to help Shereé pick out some bling for Chateau Thelma but ended up spilling tea alllll over Ms. Kenya Moore, calling her a “NeNe Jr” for choosing to only hang out with people who elevate her social status. Marlo hunny, she just got her garage tore up by a 25 year old psychopath who she still wants to breastfeed, give her a break girl. Meanwhile my ladies in Beverly Hills were fairly calm this week except for, yet again, Lisa Rinna running her mouth about Kim. She told Eden that Kyle is an enabler to her sister and that “they’re this close to Kim dying.” And I’m over here like girl you need to humble yourself before you fumble yourself! This shit-talking ain’t cute, especially coming from a bitch who constantly looks like she just attempted the Kylie Jenner lip challenge… In the immortal words of Erika Girardi, “I don’t really care when people are offended. Being offended? What a waste of time.” How many fucks do we give? None. Not One. Thanks for reading and I’ll see y’all next time.

The tea has been spilled and it’s time for a “clean up! Aisle 14!”

-        J